Is Fig Tree Deer Resistant?

Our AI overlords have some pretty conflicting views on the matter.

“Are deer attracted to fig trees?

Are deer attracted to fig trees, and if so, why? The answer is that they don’t.”

OK, I am no grammatical genius, but I was an English Major, so I could tell right away that this answer is not responsive to the question. Record Scratch, “Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got into this situation, reading a gardening article written entirely in AI nonsense even though I know better? It all started when I went straight to Google for answers instead of a thoroughly researched academic article on whether deer are attracted to fig trees. And the rest, well, is history.”

Actually, it’s more like the future — a future where the internet provides no actual answers and only weird regurgitations of words that people once said in relation to a topic. I do not understand why the world is pushing AI on us like it’s a solution. Most often it is pure nonsensical drivel, of no use or benefit to any human. Why are we expected to accept this, even welcome it? It’s bad information, presented poorly, with no fact checking, and no purpose.

Don’t mistake me, it’s hilarious, in a sinister kind of way. Take the image above, which came from this AI-generated website on “gardening.” Is English the second language of the AI who hallucinated this graphic? It’s a weird symbol, to start with. Why the double outer line and the solid inner line? It looks like a British street sign. There is no comma between “OH” and “DEER,” but kudos for using that spelling of deer, very clever. The best part, obviously, is “Get Out My Garden!”

OH DEER!! GET OUT MY GARDEN! GET OUT MY GARDEN, DEER, GET OUT MY GARDEN!

AAVE-ass deer. I mean, if an actual person created this, it wouldn’t be half as funny.

But it’s funny the way this is funny:

This deer is coming for us, slowly but surely. The deer be in our garden.

This reminds me, I spent a week at the shore recently with all of my family. The young niblings were all playing this online Roblox game called 99 Nights in the Forest. The comments they would make while playing this were unhinged. I asked about the plot and learned that there was a killer deer, who was “scientisted” to become thus, and the players were trying to rescue children who were lost in the forest while at the same time avoiding the murderous, invincible deer monster. All four of my nieces and nephews were playing together, fully engrossed. It was a scary game. Scarier because deer are everywhere in real life, they have reason to be vengeful, they are herbivores, and they are usually prey. So the idea of a killer deer is uncanny enough to be extra scary. I mean, sure, rescuing kids from an invincible grizzly bear in the forest at night for 99 days would also be pretty scary. But the creepiness of a killer deer makes the game more interesting, in my unprofessional opinion.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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I was sidetracked by deer, but my real point here is that AI is ruining humanity, in case we didn’t know that already. Here, in screen shot form, is the bulk of the “article” that Google Search sent me to about whether fig trees are deer resistant:

As helpful as it is to “know” that elephants also love fig trees, we rarely have elephants in these parts. If we had an elephant eating our fig tree in Pennsylvania, we would have an even bigger problem than AI. The concepts in this “article” are so disconnected, so roaming. Did you know that deer are an excellent source of food for people with fig trees? That was so very not my question. And what about the dreaded gnats? Really? What about them, Mister AI gardener, sir?

Is this the kind of work product that kids are turning in at college, journalists are turning in at online news sites, and lawyers are turning in to the court? And, if so, what is the purpose of life on earth? I’m being serious. Is the purpose of human life to duplicate and amplify an unfeeling version of our broken selves? How do we fight our way out of this?

The Luddites knew exactly what the fuck they were doing. They saw that their livelihoods were imperiled by machines, and in response they smashed the machines, and were executed for it. Today we use the term to describe a backwards yokel who refuses to accept technological advances. Shame on us for accepting that characterization - the Luddites were heroes who took matters into their own hands.

The WORST part of all this is that I recently became a Penn State County Extension Master Gardener. So I know better than to go straight to Google for an answer. The best thing I learned in the MG course is that we must root our knowledge in peer-reviewed, vetted articles based on studies that were purposefully conducted to find answers to our questions. So I urge you, deer readers, to visit these resources or similar ones to find answers to your gardening questions. Don’t follow my poor example.